MAY 1997
Apple jacked
From Our Workers of All Lands, Unite Department
by Michael Hureaux-Perez
My first May Day in New York City features a headline from the New York Post, that living standard of journalistic integrity run by Murdoch and crew. Poor overworked critters can't seem to work up the jack for modern graphics technology or a proof reader but the paper sells and that's the main thing so what the hey? Anyway, the headline reads: Murder Hits Thirty Year Low. Which is good news for some and not for others. I guess what it probably means is that murder at the street (retail) level is down, or fewer middle class whites are getting murdered, therefore the murder rate is down. So that's good. Heaven forbid that murder at the state or federal level (wholesale) should go down. So those of you out there with Boeing stocks and all, don't worry about a thing. Your investment is still quite safe.
On the other hand, the Post doesn't know everything.
Murder at the retail level may start to rise in some sectors soon. I mean,
I'm no Louis Rukeyser, but I try to pay attention to these market trends
for friends who may have liquid assets. Friends, it might be a good time
to buy into real estate in Brooklyn. According to the Caribbean News
this week, several thousand home owners- mostly Black and Latino- are
probably going to lose their homes due to inability to pay property taxes
to the great state of New York. So there is definitely potential for murder
at the street level to go up what with all the displacement of families
that will occur through state seizure of properties. It might not be a bad
time to get on the old 'net and see what the possibilities are for investment
via bank loans and all that to the hard pressed fiscal authorities of New
York State. You may very well make a killing. You could contribute to several,
in fact. My point here is that current indicators see a fall in deaths on
the street, but hold onto your hats.
Speaking of Brooklyn, I saw a Muslim Cleric selling "Superglue"
and "Coppertop Batteries" out on Flatbush Avenue the other day.
Friends, the growing faith in entrepreneurial method is heartwarming. I
have no doubt the current rise in economic venture provides opportunities
for all people of the cloth to get out there and nickel and dime it. I tell
you, if Horatio Alger were with us today, his eyes would brim with tears.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I have no doubt that this great
country of ours will soon be providing the same opportunities to preachers
and priests, nuns and rabbis. Of course, they'll all have to apply for vending
licenses, which the unfortunate Imam mentioned above did not have, so of
course the police had to come and beat him up and take him downtown, but
as you know, it's the details that kill you. Take care of that paperwork.
Speaking of paperwork, aren't those boys of ours in the state and national capitals working their asses off? Why, right here in New York, our very own mayor has suggested that workfare cases be required to wear green coveralls as they work, so everyone will know who they are. It's a good idea, but for the sake of fiscal clarity, a little expensive, if you ask me. It might just be cheaper to have them sew something onto their clothing, a yellow star or a pink triangle or something. That way if there's a sit down strike- hey, don't laugh, I know the labor movement is dead and all but just consider this-if there's outside agitating done by the city workers who are being displaced from jobs so that we can get wages down to a reasonable level- say, three dollars an hour, which is what the workfare recipients get- our police won't have a hard time rounding up the perps and taking them downtown. On the other hand, maybe the mayor is just thinking ahead. Since most of the workfare folks are potential criminals, and since coveralls are the basic wear in jails anyway, maybe it's better if folks are dressed before they go to jail. We could call it a "dress for duress" policy. I like the way that sounds, don't you? I mean, hey, get back to me on this. Maybe I ought to be one of the heads downtown.
Speaking of downtown, isn't The New Times Square looking
nice now that all the bars where people were dancing are being shut down?
Well, not all the bars. Just the bars where people were dancing on the bars.
Dancing on the bars, as you may know, is an indicator of good times being
had, possible erotic stimulation and more than likely, inappropriate use
of alcohol and quite possibly drugs. It's important that drugs and alcohol
be used appropriately, or not misappropriated at the very least. That's
the first thing. Secondly, our tourists really don't like seeing drugs and
alcohol and prostitution all over Times Square. I for one thank God we finally
have a mayor who has had the gumption to get the booze, drugs and call girls
off the street and back up in the luxury suites where they belong. Oh, yeah,
I know, the porn theaters are still out there, but give it time. I understand
the city is negotiating a contract with Motel Six. Disney wants all the
space it can get just south of Forty Second there, so the great days are
still ahead. Even the kids will have a place to hang out while the folks
are getting goofy. In the words of Walt himself, your dreams do come true
when you wish upon a star.
Speaking of wishes, if they were horses, all beggars would
ride. Not to be a jerk or anything, but if those Jamaican club owners want
to keep their places out in Brooklyn open, they've got to ante up with everyone
else. I know it doesn't look good to have a bunch of our police out there
shutting down popular hangouts in you-know-what neighborhoods, not to seem
racist or anything but if those boys want in on the action, they've got
to pay up. It takes money to make money, you know. They ought to know by
now that if they've got it, we're going to want it at some point if it's
raking in that old do re mi. And I don't have to tell you how many of our
kids love sitting on that beach in Montego Bay. Just think of the raffles
for trips the tourist industry could sponsor. Those you know what people
love numbers rackets and crap games, they'll dig our new improved version.
It can't all just be the state lottery, you know, the private market has
to get into this at some point. And I think making sure the clubs are in
the right hands is a step in the right direction. Get back to me on this.
Well, that's all I got for now. I love a bull market,
don't you?
Mikey
© The Raven Chronicles 1997